Intricacies of Desire
There is a difference between desire and want… I’m not sure I can put words to it but it feels necessary to try.
Desire has been taken from us, deemed selfish and dirty. To live in a female body is to understand that desire is not meant to belong to us. It is meant to be imposed on us, with or without our consent. It is to be commodified for others consumption, but not something we are allowed to have for ourselves.
But I am full of desire.
Even if I can’t describe it, even if I can’t quite put my finger on it yet — it’s there, bubbling just beneath the surface.
It’s something that has always been there, I’ve just been taught to hide from it. To keep it secret and tucked away. But to have desires is to be truly human. It’s not reasonable to expect that we deny an entire part of ourselves simply because of our gender, circumstances, or really any other reason.
I’m tired of hiding it. Tired of giving up something that I was born to feel. Something that pulls at my heart and drives me towards the most magical parts of life.
Desire.
It’s not limited to sexuality but it is so frequently is it used in that context that it bears the weight of shame that comes with female sexuality. And we are taught to be ashamed of our sexuality, regardless of the situation. From our early days in childhood when we are taught to dress modestly so as not to provoke the boys or garner attention from older men, before we even knew what sexual desire meant — we were subject to it.
Never a thought to teach boys and men not to sexualize every girl or woman they see, no. It’s our job to reign in other’s wants and desires by stifling ours. Our desire to be free, to be who we are without shame or guilt snuffed out the moment our bodies begin to take on a more adult shape. The thought of a bare shoulder too much for the boys in class, too much for our teachers, uncles, family friends…
The work of controlling want and desire is always placed on us.
When do we get to be free? When do we get to claim our desires loud and clear without being silenced or told we are “too much” …told that we are “asking for it.”
We are allowed to want what is available or acceptable, nothing more.
I hadn’t given much thought to my desires until recently.
Wants? Absolutely. Wants are many.
But desires… what do they look like? How do they taste?
How do I learn to feel desire in my body when it has been beaten out of me for so long?
This is my understanding of the difference between desire and want. It is limited, and influenced, but it feels accurate.
Want is hungry. Urgent. It feels a little frantic and panicked, coming from a place of scarcity. Want asks to be satiated now. A remnant of feeling that there won’t be enough or that something will be missed out on. A tightness that feels desperate.
Desire… desire is quieter. Not necessarily softer, but it doesn’t need to rush. It lingers with you, holding space for what’s next without needing to force anything. Without feeling like a moment will be missed if it’s not answered in the moment. Desire can exist without needing immediate action. It is the root of truth within the body, something expansive and ever evolving.
Why would we deny ourselves this?
There is something so sweet about knowing your deepest desires.
I’ve heard it referred to as “the why” in so many circles, but never as desire. But that’s really what it is. Our reason for doing the things that we do can come from want, but if we allow ourselves to step back and look without that lens of scarcity, we can see what it is we truly desire and how that is influences all our actions.
It’s buried deep within our core. Something we can pull out and rely on to guide into a life that we actually feel good living. Not one that is full of wants without meaning.
I’ve spent far too long focusing on wants when it’s desire that will lead me.
So much of my time given to these things that appear desirable on the surface, but don’t reach the root of what I really need. To me, desires are closer to needs than wants ever will be. Yet, we stuff them into distant corners of our mind and act as though we just don’t have them.
Sometimes it’s safer that way.
Sometimes desire is just scary.
But I don’t think we can thrive without it.
Embracing desire is just one step in a million to embracing ourselves fully.
I desire liberation. Freedom.
I desire comfort and love and beauty.
I desire a life that feels good on my skin and takes me to places I’ve never dreamed of.
I desire so much more than what wants are available to me.
I am full of desire.
